.:. gotblogua .:.

a retrospective self-critical piece

why oh why can’t i be free from this suffering? Most especially this blasted lack of enlightenment. I wish they had enlightenment for sale at walmart, maybe in the isle next to the 3 pack of disposable penises.

So if I understand my situation right, i am here in a state of wanting something. Yes, I want enlightenment. I want to be free from suffering. I want to clearly see the source of all suffering and the underlying truth of my decisions. I want to be free from indecision about doing. I want to be free from wanting. Did you catch that? I WANT to be free from WANTing… cute huh?

So I hope, and i pray, and i meditate and i wonder and i wander.
And i continuously trick myself into thinking that maybe i will someday believe the people who say “everyone is already enlightened, they just don’t realize it”… maybe someday i will feel that i understand this, that i am a part of it. Maybe someday i will be so bored of trying to attain a state of trylessness that i will puke out my last utterance of this silly hackneyed banal overused obnoxious word :ENLIGHTENMENT…

Please allow me to repeat my self… i want to be free from wanting… how fucking ridiculous is that??? i want it so bad that i try to create it by meditating and trying to accept it… just sit still and peacefully accept it……. nope, there are still thoughts there, i’m not enlightened yet….. oMMMMmmmm…. accept…. nope, judgement=not yet ….. accEPTTT… ummm no…. ACCEPT g.damnit….shit maybe tomorrow, lets get a falafel…

But really, what do i want? i want peaches and roses and loving all day… nothing but the very best, and complete superiority to the masses and freedom from any negative circumstance… so basically my ego, my little me, wants to be spiritually superior, to be closer to god than the others, to be a force of change in the world, to be an all powerful cocreator, to experience perpetual peace. And in order for my ego to experience all of these things it has to be transcended. Sounds like bullshit to me. Catch 22, impossible paradox… bullshit.

Maybe not. maybe so, maybe paradox is the only part of the illusion that is true.

anyway, here i am, still wanting… for that matter, wanting the wanting, no matter how aware i become of the wistful wasteful whithering nature of that wanting. and i watch. i observe. i observe the hope, independent of the object of hope… and i clearly see the hope is not needed… for it represents an illusion of lack… but hey why not hope? why not desire? this body wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for hope and desire…

so to deny the hoping, to deny the wanting, what is that? what will that denial bring?

to steer the hope… to steer the wanting… ahh, that sounds good, towards what shall i steer? towards the wanting itself? or perhaps towards the lack?

towards what shall i move? and where will i move from?

do i move from thought? or do i move from the stillness of truth?

and by the way how do i tell the difference?